I can be a contradiction

I identify as a transgender qweer person who would like to live in a gender free world. For me this means striving to be beyond stereotypes and limitation rather than being free from gender.  Many of us, myself included, however we identify are struggling to ‘pass' in one-way or another. We struggle especially with gender; male or female and living up to the expectations these terms bring.

 

I want to be able to take on any gender attributes I want or disregard them.

So if I want to be called 'he' or a 'boy', but still be 'fem' or be 'fem' as a boy, but not a girl, I will be. I don't want to be devoid of gender but would like to play with and break norms, be a gender freek; a different gender and sex.

The way I feel about myself and my identity does not correspond with dominant trans ideals (the big, tough, strong male) or with concepts of female masculinity and I do not relate to either category. I would prefer to describe myself as masculine fem(inine) though I do not limit myself in this definition. I prefer to use my own definitions/words/ideas or to just express my identity without definition rather than use those labels imposed on us by mainstream society, by theorists and by the medical world.

I choose not to fit or make it easy for people to put me in a box. 

I want to be anything I want and who I am.

The world finds this unacceptable and needs to pin me down. I understand its confusion (for control) but choose to celebrate confusion instead. We are not the same and are not simple. Nobody is.

I can be both genders or neither or more of one than another.

I can be a contradiction, an im/permanent transition.

I acknowledge that this may not fit in with people’s perceptions of what it means to be trans but I change everyday, every season, every time I dress up (or down to wearing nothing), depending on whom I’m with or where I am. I resent having been called a tomboy all of my childhood life, like it was all a game.

I am not, and was not, a girl who 'wants to be' a boy; 'I am' who I am.

People need to realise that we are all individuals and cannot be neatly packaged. We may want/need to belong to a certain group of people or feel it is helpful to have categories and labels sometimes, but despite this we are all different. We need to remember that we are allowed to be free to roam wherever we want, whenever, whatever. We are not here to be controlled by others that we do not give consent to. 

While I feel fem(inine), I also feel essentially male, so I choose to take 'T' (testosterone) and may possibly want/have some surgery. I currently do not want to fully transition into 'becoming male' in the biological sense in order to pass as a man.

I do not believe in the binary gender system.

I have discovered that passing as a man of colour is not the same as passing as a white man. The same privileges do not exist, especially post 9/11, in this time of ’terrorist attack' where, because I am perceived as a young man of colour, I unconsciously pass as a terrorist and am assumed to be Muslim. Just take me to an airport and watch what happens. Take me to a department store and watch me be followed around, an ‘incorrect toilet’ or a hospital for (mis)treatment. The list goes on and the stories are common to many of us who un/consciously pass as people we are not.

Being a trans person of colour is hard, passing within a white patriarchal world even more so. I exist outside the privileges of the bio-male, heteronormative, white and middleclass. I cannot access this world easily, even with all the surgery and hormones I could want…or afford.  

Un/fortunately that is not achievable when I can’t even get a job because I am Trans! Since I have been more open in my transition I cannot get a job I am rightly qualified to do, that I was doing before when I wasn’t so open and so access to 'medical treatment’ is not an option for me. Even if it was I do not feel that I would have faith or trust in it as my (mainly) white peers seem to. I have grown up in communities where (young) males of colour have been constantly and consistently let down by the medical, social and educational systems and I have witnessed a lot of police harassment take place. I saw this happen with my brother first hand and even now when I pass; it more usually results in a negative response rather than a positive.

The only clearly positive attention I get is from my Qweer Tran’s community, as well as lovers, which at times can feel like a ghetto that I don’t really want to be stuck in despite its immense love and support. I love being Trans and part of my community but I resent having to be caged in by not having any decent substantial equal rights or voice.

 I also resent the Gender Identity Disorder diagnosis as the only way (other than £££s!) to gain access to medical transition. It especially relates to those like me who cannot afford private medical care and have to pathologise themselves in order to transition in the formal medical sense. I am not disordered and resent having to play a game or play a role in order to get what I want, in the process confirming unhelpful misconceptions about trans and gender variant people that perpetuate transphobia and contributes to abuse of trans people . It is the only mental health diagnosis where the treatment actually supports and encourages the diagnosis (like a good trans friend of mine says ‘it’s like giving a pyromaniac a box of matches’).

Currently in the UK trans people are being forced into having private treatment where they must pay through the roof for any kind of realistic, quality transition. The NHS and its waiting lists are just not reliable or worth the wait. In my transition I have decided to avoid this legislation by taking homeopathic T, which I also believe is a healthier alternative to synthetic injections. I know my homeopath and trust them with my body more than I would a doctor who does not really understand my needs or the different strands of tran’s identities Those doctors who would prefer to use a mould for us all which we must fit. Sadly however, I know I cannot totally avoid this world, if I want surgery for example and that I must confront it in the future, when I am hoping that it will improve drastically.

I want to see greater recognition, visibility and awareness of trans issues and identities in medicine, politics, education and the media. 

I want people to unite to fight for the future of all people regardless of gender. 

I don’t want to turn on the television to watch another show where the audience has to guess whether a transsexual is really a man or a woman for (hetero) entertainment.

I don’t want people pointing their fingers and laughing, jeering or threatening us anymore.

I want to see gender variants rise up and point back our fingers. I want to hear them say, ‘Things have to change! We are not putting up with this bullshit anymore!’

missTer scraTch